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Losing something sucks. No matter what is, whether it be an experience, an opportunity, a person, a chance ... losing something is never good. The opportunity to win something back though? Well, that's a different story. Usually things like that take intelligence and determination. Intelligence to realize how you lost it in the first place and the determination to work and get it back.

I'm semi-determined. The kind of person where usually, my back has to be against the wall for me to truly do my best. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm one of those people that just goes out and GETS, because eh, that's not me.

Unless ...

I lose something. A lot of things in my life have been given to me and taken away. Some of them didn't matter much to me when they were taken, and some did. I just came face-to-face with one. Not literally, because I'm not talking about a person. In a sense an experience was granted to me and I took it for granted. I, and only I, fucked it up. I tend to do that a lot though. I think without realizing consequences, or sometimes I even think and act while knowing what my actions will do to me.

I know now that I'm at the point where my back is against the wall. I have to do something if I want to go where I'm going. I'm literally wasting away a small piece of my life, contempt in what I'm living in. Except I want more and know that there's more for me. I can look around and see other 20 year olds in places that I want to be and you know what? That's nobody's falt besides mine. If I lived my life the right way 2 years ago, I could be doing something different.

So I'm going to go out and do something different. I'm getting angry at myself for not doing something sooner. But hey, can't really dwell on the past, even though the past is where I'm trying to go. I know friends that are calling on me to do that, become something better so I'm going to go do it. Then I can kick it with them, and in a weird way ... stop kicking it with y'all.