[sigh]

We all have issues, it's sort of a part of life I guess. We go through things and how we deal and cope with those things defines who we are as a person. Some people can face adversity well, some people are leaders (silent & vocal) and some people come up with solutions.

Some people are toxic. They hurt the people around them and make the lives of the people around them worse.

I happen to know someone like the latter.

It hurts because the people around that person that are getting hurt are family members of mine. Specifically my mother. I don't know why but I feel safer speaking about this through my blogspot than any other writing platform I have simply because I know people I care about read this.

I obviously have commitment issues. At the first sight of getting into something deep I run. Fast. Usain Bolt fast. I try my hardest to figure out why I do this when I desire someone close to me so much, and I have an inkling of an idea. I don't want to hurt that person.

Seeing firsthand how a verbally abusive person can affect my mother hurts, and it hurts me to think that I could potentially have the power to do that to another human being, or vice versa. It hurts to think that someone could believe they're in love, and then not be. That you have to 100% trust another human being knowing that that person can be the opposite of who they say they are. With time all of our true personalities are revealed, but when it's revealed ... what if it's too late?

I have very few examples in my life of successful marriages and on one hand that makes me want to be one of those examples in the future ... and on the other hand it scares me that I may not be.

Something's Missing.

Alright, so let's get personal.

I can get personal on here right? This isn't tumblr or anything. I can? Ok.

I wake up everyday, simple enough task. I've kind of perfected it. Hopefully I'll continue doing that for awhile.

Go through my day which consists of nothing that really entertains me and then go to sleep (which I haven't perfected as well yet). Then I wake up and go through another day of not having fun or being happy.

The truth is ... I'm not really happy. About anything.

For me it stopped being about money, cars and the clothes, and the hoes ... and became about being happy. Living each day happy that I was here. I'm happy I'm alive, but that's about as far as it goes. To feel like you're just taking up space on Earth is not a feeling at all, but a concession of guilt.

So I write stories. Of imaginary people. And title the characters people I know in real life (sometimes), and title the lead "Eric". And then I make his life fun and exciting. Filled with love, drama, success, happiness, sadness, pain, all of the things it takes to lead a life filled with something.

I'm missing something. That's all I'm trying to find.