Elizabeth says my blogs are depressing now. Personally, I don't think so. Why is it when I start to express what I'm really feeling, it is seen as depressing? It's real. Me, unabashed.
When I blogged before it was more for everyone else. Let me entertain you all for 2-5 minutes. Let me make a playlist so you can stay and get to know me and like me. Now I see; blogging is like talking on a phone with no service. You're speaking, but no one is hearing you. You're bouncing thoughts to yourself. Or at least, that's what I'm doing.
Years ago I had a calling. What for? I'm not really wanting to get into it. But I had this calling, I believe it so much. And somewhere along the line ... I veered from that path. I hide it very well, that part of my life. I don't want it to ever come out. That was a life that I enjoyed. Made me happy. Where I had love. Where I was accepted. Known.
And I was betrayed. Then I was the betrayer.
I saw my former love a few times this weekend. I saw her alone, and with her husband. I'd be lying if I said I had the strength to go up to her and give her a hug. Just say hi. I'd be lying if seeing her didn't make me rethink where my life could be. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't believe that since we've departed she has grown more and done more with her life than me.
So I'm ready to move on. Not from her, that was done year(s) ago. But move on from where I'm standing right now. I don't even care what direction; I just want to move on. The two lives that I currently am thinking for myself are complete opposites. One makes fun of the other, and the other condemns the one. It's so crazy. One thing though ... I love being on the road. ;)
Which means nothing at all. I mean, I am writing this on the road though, watching white lines fly by. Everyone is sleep, worries pushed aside ... and I'm thinking of where I want to be exactly a year from now. I start work tomorrow. Finish in about 2 ½ months. Start school. Then ... I want to go on a mission trip. Seriously. Depending on if I ever happen to make progress in this music business, I know what else I want to do, what I want to be, where I want to go.
I'm going to hit the airport and follow my dreams ...
[p.s. - this blog wasn't depressing Elizabeth.]
