twist it all up.

My mom wants me to visit my father on Father's Day. I don't want to. 4 years ago, I'd be all for it. Unfortunately, our relationship has changed drastically. The man that claims I never keep up with him, yet fails to realize that phones work both ways. I mean, he didn't even call me on my 20th birthday. Thanks.

It sucks because I know his health is only getting worse. And what's even worse is I may have mentally prepared myself to lose him. I'm not heartless ... I'm blank. With people around me, I still feel as if I'm alone in life. To lose a father, is something that would make a lot of people crazy. I'm not even sure I would feel the magnitude of that event. But it does scare me to talk about it.

Will I call/see him on Father's Day? Idk. Because I won't want to be there during the awkwardness that I know is going to envelop the room. We'll see ... I read Jay's blog about his father and such, and it has me thinking. But really, none of you all could probably help me with that. Well, some of you could, and some of you couldn't. Fucked up father situations are a dime a dozen these days.

I'm not even bashing my old man, he was "there" for me up until my freshman year in college, and even sometimes after that. I know if I was there it'd be mad tension, then arguing, then it'd be love afterwards. Ahh, fuck it. It's times like these I wish I had a girlfriend. Someone I would confide to after we watch movies on the couch. Just, life would be different with a partner, and not bad-different. But fuck that too.

I lost $20 today. Not a big deal but I'm pretty sure that I spent too much money when I was out of town. Oh fuck it, I can live for two weeks with only $30? And of course, me being Eric, I had to go buy some meaningless stuff today. The last Pirates movie, a Blender mag, some gum ... and some food for lunch. I'm actually going to be saving money not eating at fast food.

Speaking of lunch, my new job is so chill. I love it. It'll take me awhile getting used to the kids and whatnot, but working with my friends and all is pretty fun. Plus, getting off at 3:30 everyday, except for getting off at noon on Thursdays is nice. AND I'm getting 40 hours a week. Paid lunch FTW.

Also in my life I'm making small changes, with a big impact. While at the same time, thinking of how I want to live my life. Call me crazy, as some of you will, but I think I want to be celibate until I marry. I mean, I'm at 20 years old right now, so it's not like I have YEARS to go, although at my rate with women it'll be a good minute.
I also want to get more active with my corps. None of you know what that means most likely, but SO? I want to become a soldier, I think I'm finally ready. And for some reason CFOT has been on my mind. After being at Congress, idk ... I'm so on the fence. But I know I'm definitely not THERE yet.

With all of that being said I'm going to lay down, text Terrica & Lin-z and watch Pirates. I do have to be up at 5 for work tomorrow ... and you know what? I like it. :)