It's Ok.

I'm inspired to write.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm not inspired to write but I'm inspired to have the thought to actually start writing again. I'm just waiting on an idea. Something, anything to come across my mind that makes me want to sit down for large chunks of time and just write. I'm not too good at waiting though, never have been. I get antsy and I'm feeling antsy now. Hopefully I think of an idea before the new year begins as it would be nice to see how much I can get done in one year if I write every day, or at the very least, try to.

Later on today I'm going to have lunch with my friend from Texas. He's been here for about a week and I think I've hung out with him 5 of those days. The other two days I hung out with some other old friends. It's always nice to see these people when they visit, a great way to de-stress.

So my friend from Texas, he's actually someone I look up to in terms of life situations. I'm a little different than most of my friends from college in the sense that I'm more of a freer spirit, at least when it comes to having life plans. My friends here are more alike to me in that regard. My ambitions in life come with subscript which make them a little less ambitious and a little more undemanding. Hard work? Never really heard of that. I mean, school-wise, not really. When I played baseball working hard was more fun, it came easier and with more instant results. College? Ehh, not so much. It was like someone was telling me that in four to six years I might see all of this work come to fruition and my thought was, "I'm all about instant gratification baby." Enough said.

Back to my friend though, we lived on the same floor during our freshman year at Mizzou. Four years later he's in Teach For America, very well off and I'm well off enough, but with no set purpose in life. And that isn't to say that that bothers me because I actually don't know if I want one, not now at least. Of course I want my life to be purposeful but I'm scared that it'll be the wrong purpose. I'd hate to do something I don't want to do and be stuck in it because the economy is bad and jobs are scarce, or that I'm playing catch-up to the whole act of being grown-up.

I think where my self-doubt comes into play is how he positioned himself to be in the best situation possible, and I positioned myself to be on a road with limited options. For all of the intelligence I have (and modesty), the willpower is severely lacking and along with that opportunities. So whenever I become confronted with the image of what I should be it's unyielding to face. Not who I should be, I know that my life is my life and it cannot be lived under the false pretense that I must keep up with the Joneses. More of my life is my life, and I should be interested and invested in it enough to make it as great as I can instead of as mediocre as it shouldn't be.

Because seriously, who aims to live a mediocre life? Well, I'm sure some people do but I feel sorry for them. Not that they would care, they're happily mediocre.