Appeal.

I think the hardest thing for me to do with a female is to tell them I don't like them. It's so much easier to say that I do, in that situation if the feeling isn't reciprocated I'm the only person who feels a little bad. But being the one that makes the other person feel bad? Oh no, that's not really me, I'm not too good at that.

Even when I was younger, I always had a problem breaking up with girls. I was much more likely to take the punk way out and ask a friend to do it for me (I was very, very young if that makes me seem like less of a pussy), or the classic, 'do something that makes her break up with you' move. Whatever it was, it took me well into my teen years before I was able to break up with a girl and not feel 100% remorse over it. I started getting used to the idea that things end and whatever.

But telling someone you don't like them? That's almost worse. That's like sliding the rug out from under their feet when they think they're getting close.

Example.

There's this girl who we'll call T. Now T is cool, and I flirt with T but I probably have 10% feelings of attraction towards T. Like, actual feelings. As far as her body, probably 75% which is the reason I flirt with T. Bad Eric, bad, bad, Eric.

Typically what I'll do is distance myself from T. Stop replying to her texts, slightly ignore her, pretty much asshole stuff that I would like to think I'm above but obviously I'm not. It's the only way in my mind to get it to T that I don't like her like that. I especially love when I talk to someone I DO like, because then I can tell T something along the lines of, "Hey, I haven't been talking to you because I'm sort of in something with someone else, so I don't want to ruin it by having other girls around." Basically, I suck.

At this point you the reader are probably thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with you Eric, man up, just tell her you don't like her. It's wrong of you to string her along. Consider her feelings. Do what you know you have to do," and you'd be right.

But you'd also be wrong.

Every sign is there that I don't like T like that. The random disappearances, the skipping out on textual conversations. The only interest that I show is when her body is the discussion ... it's like I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me, but she's grabbing at straws to keep me there. At this point I'd just feel terrible to point out that I'm just. Not. That. Into her. And I never will be, in my mind there's a 5% chance that anything substantial will ever transpire between us.

So why won't T get the hint? And why won't I do what I know is necessary? Is it just nice to have someone there that I know will like me, am I merely a fan of the convenience of T?

Or do I suck?

... definitely the first one.

*edit
When T texted me just now, I looked at my phone, saw her name and said out loud, "Oh, fuck!" I really don't like her lol.