amazing.

I just realized I won't be able to do this.

My trust issues ... I thought I was past all of that, that I grew up. That I matured and was ready but I don't even know. And this isn't me writing this because I went through something with her. Nah, we had the same cool night as always, ended with a positive conversation and whatnot.

I had a dream a couple of days ago that I was drowning in the Mississippi River and when I woke up I immediately somehow related that to me not being able to be in a relationship. I can't get that deep without being scared. I can't do it. I've been fucked over before and I know at some point you gotta move past that but I think I'd rather complain of not having someone special and fucking with whoever I wanted than to have someone special and give them the opportunity to fuck me over.

I can do all of the things that make me a good catch, remember what I'm supposed to remember, listen to you, care for you ... but I can't indulge in opening myself up to get hurt. I have to back away. I have to. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm ranting right now for no particular reason, mainly because I know I can't do this on twitter or tumblr or facebook or wherever. I actually only got on here to respond to the comments from my last post, which I will ... but yeah. Ever since that dream this was on my mind.

I don't want to be vulnerable to getting fucked over by another girl. I can't allow it.