amazing.

I don't think anyone necessarily likes being hated, not for being who they think they are. There's a little bright spot in knowing that you have no thoughts, ill or otherwise towards them, that they're worried about you while you could care less for them, but that is just a little spot.

The problem with the human psyche, or maybe just mine (most likely just mine) is that no matter what someone thinks of me, whether it be right or wrong, I overthink it. You tell me that I talk too much and I'll compile a memory of me talking too much in my head. You tell me I don't talk enough and I'll do the same. I guess I can let other people formulate my own thoughts of myself which is terrible. So when someone tells me about a part of my personality and that it's reason for them to hate me it gets to me.

How unrobotic of me.

I guess this ties into my wanting to be loved by everyone. I can't easily take being disliked. It makes me think to myself, "Why, why do you not like me, tell me and I'll fix it." Thing is, I can't fix every part of myself that someone doesn't like, then I won't be me. Which leads to, "what if me being me is a bad thing? Maybe I really am a bad person."

I probably shouldn't let anyone else's thoughts of me affect how I feel about myself but I do it. At the same time though my pride is a huge obstacle and while I'll sometimes want to make amends with people who dislike me, or try to make amends with them, I can't bring myself to do it. It seems so weak of me, like admitting defeat. After going at it with no less than five different bloggers on Tumblr (seriously, I must've had 5 separate arguments going on Friday) I woke up this morning wanting to write in their ask boxes on terms of reconciliation. Key word: wanting. Then I thought about how that'd just make me seem weak, as if I'd openly be admitting, "You're right, I'm wrong. I'm dumb, you're smart. Have mercy on me."

All in all, the lessons I've learned are that I need to not reply to people with dissenting opinions. Not because I'm afraid of an argument, but because it never seems to help. Then I learned that I can't help but write people who reply with dissenting opinions. I have to prove my point. So THEN ... I just came to the conclusion that I should probably just focus on things where people can't disagree, like stories about my life. My opinions often get mistaken for "I believe that this is the absolute truth" instead of, "this is my opinion."

I'm so fucking exhausted though. I should be writing about this "date" that I went on with this girl, our second in two weeks, but whatever. I actually kind of wish I'd get sucked up in a black hole.