amazing.

I hate talking about exes because no matter what you say it sort of always comes out like you're not over the person, which compromises whatever point you were trying to make. If you bash the person: you're not over them. If you congratulate them on their life: you're not over them. It just sort of feels like people never want to recognize that you can be over someone, unless you're with someone else and genuinely in love.

Which is just a precursor to whatever point I think I'm going to make in this particular blog.

My faith in women has been shook. It's been flipped up and turned upside down many a time, and I try not to really hold that against the next one. When I was talking to Yay (a nickname), whenever I saw her I was definitely seeing what I was told her past was. So our times hanging out weren't that great and I was subconsciously rejecting her. When I "talked" to ... Taja, I didn't really believe a word she told me. Still, I reciprocated the feelings I felt she was lying about, and tried my best to ignore them. When I spoke to Lizzy, afterwards I really didn't trust anything a female told me, especially about how they felt about me. Not even if they tried to prove it because I had just been burned. When Katherine told me one day while we were at the zoo that she loved me (which should've been romantic) but she knew I didn't love her, I was kind of bummed out because I was inching my way there. But she was older so I understood slightly why she would be ticked off.

So when Nikita told me something about how I made her feel, inside I could acknowledge it but I didn't rest on it. Nor when she told me that she wouldn't feel that way again, because I had been through that exact. Same. Situation. It was like deja vu, and I honestly just wanted to enjoy the moment that I had with her because it was amazing. Time was going by so fast but I was super happy while I was in her presence. Still though, I knew that once it was over there'd be some time where the feelings would be reignited, but that as time passed I would be a more distant memory and whoever she was with now would most likely take my place.

I was okay with that. I am okay with that.

I just wish women wouldn't tell me how they feel towards me because it's either a) a lie b) pity or c) not sustained. It goes away. And so when I see that you love your current bf, or you're marrying him (see: Chrissy) how can I believe the next girl when it seems like whatever she's saying is what you did, but regurgitated? I can't! I just don't believe females when they talk to me, and honestly I don't know when I ever will. My track record is terrible, blah blah blah. (You ever write a blog and midway through just feel like stopping? Yeah.)

But yeah, I don't think it's fair, and I know life isn't fair but seriously? Most girls I come in contact with have been putting up with bullshit, and then when they talk to me it's "Oh, you're a breath of fresh air. You know what, I like you a lot ..." but I never end the story with the person. And it's usually cool because I know that we all find people at different times on this journey, I get that. And it's not even as if I'm craving my person right now. I'm just tired of being the stepping stone to someone good. I don't always appreciate being the person women go through in order to find that next person who makes their life 10x better.

I just come out of it feeling used. Like I do now knowing that someone I used to talk to is in love, or something like it. I'm not mad about it (actually happy), nor am I bitter ... I just hate that when I come out of those situations I'm the one who 5 months later is in this position and they're always in love.

That's the feeling I hate.