on top of speak-urrs.

I find myself from time to time thinking about this particular girl from last year. I guess she was what you could define as last year's 'summer girl'.

We did a couple of "bf/gf" things but when it came time for me to step up and make her my official girl like Cassie would say, I faltered. So things broke down naturally after that and well, idk. She wasn't a bad look, but it takes a year for me to recognize that fully. Here I am in the midst of possibly getting with someone and I find myself looking back to someone else.

It isn't because I'm not ready for a relationship; it isn't because I don't know what I want. It's because I'm always looking into the future, and not at right now. I try to live "Carpe Diem" but it doesn't always work. I see a girl, and wonder how I'm going to like her a week from now instead of dwelling on the great time we just had. I know that I need to look at things like that, but I overdo it I believe.

So here I am with a girl who likes me. She isn't ugly by any means. I mean, she IS a model who has been on runways in New York. So I can't use that as a reason. She isn't as smart as me, but she isn't dumb. She smiles a lot which is great. She drinks though. And parties a lot. So we have positives and negatives. Then there's the other girl, the model who is nothing short of breathtaking. But because she has a bf, she is out of my reach. So yeah, what do I do? I go in the past to find someone to help me cover my losses.

And thinking about it fully ... I don't even know if I trust people (girls) enough to want to get into a relationship. Girls are shadier than guys most of the time, and it isn't better that the girl that I'm looking at as a potential "next" recently told me "lol b/c ima 'party girl' and idk what 'cheating' is or I just get tired of them lol -sighs". What kind of thing is that to tell a guy you want to be with? Crazy enough, but I guess when I go over her house tomorrow afternoon we'll talk about those things ...