amazing.

Write me off, give up on me
cuz darling what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet
-Fall Out Boy

She has no idea how I feel. How I sit down every night. By my lonesome. Not because of choice, but because this is repetition. What I’ve been doing every night since I was a little kid. Sit in my room all alone because that’s where I feel safe, and partly because no one wants to share this space with me. Well, now I don’t sit in a room since I don’t even have a room. I have no place to call my own. The proper term for me right now is…orphan. A 19 yr. old orphan. Sounds funny, huh? It would be if it were someone else’s life. But no, God has given me this life…a life where once it seemed so abundant with potential but now appears to have bottomed out.

If I didn’t have anywhere to turn…I would have a clearer direction of where I was headed than how I feel right now. I don’t know anything…at all. Ahh. Those words are so sweet however. No one else knows why, besides a few faithful fans of Hope. But right now, listening to her, her soothing voice…I feel somewhat calm. At this moment, calm is what I feel like I need to envelop me.

Envelop. A simple word…one rarely used in everyday language. But digging deeper into the meaning (wrap up, cover, surround completely)…makes me wonder if I’ll ever have that. Something that completely envelops me. When will a person show me a love that’ll encompass me? Surround me…and hold me within. I don’t know…anything…at all.
Listening to Hope…her words are hitting me SO hard.

“Sometimes my burdens get so heavy…and it seems too hard to bear
Sometimes I feel so empty…and it feels like no one’s there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever…just a song so I’ve been told
But it seems that when it rains….it pours.”

I don’t know if it’s weird. It most likely is, to all of you. Anyway, I like to just sit in the darkness. Just sit. It’s as if I’m just a losing soul. And in the darkness is an area where it’s just myself followed by a space between. There’s a space between you and I, but less than clearly drawn. No one has invaded the space since, although I most surely would like someone to.

“And you know the rain won’t last forever
and you know the storm won’t always flow
But if the sun don’t shine forever…
You’ve got to let it go”