amazing.

Been awhile, huh? Might as well jump into it.

My recent iChat status reads "I have some extreme character flaws that haunt me when I think of them." Rarely am I brought face-to-face with them though because like most people, I conceal my flaws. Why fret on what's wrong with me when I can just concentrate on the good stuff? Somehow, making the bad stuff seem inconsequential made me feel better instead of actually focusing on it. Unfortunately, the bad stuff ISN'T inconsequential. It comes with consequences, it comes with feelings of guilt and it comes with a slight tinge of fear for who I may be in the future.

The way I interact with women at times puzzles me. Who I choose to go to that extra level with versus who I choose not to. The women I choose to have certain conversations, actions with versus those who I don't. It isn't based upon feelings because I've done things with/for women I wasn't necessarily INTO while at the same time holding those I WAS into at bay. No, I don't know what it is but one thing comes to mind and it makes me mad to think about so I won't even type it here.

I realize though that my future relationships will be directly impacted by my actions right here in the present, in ways I previously did not consider. It scares me to consider the person I could be if I continue to be the person I am today, at least in regard to women and sex and emotions and feelings.

Compulsivity is a terrible thing, as is hypersexuality. I should applaud the fact that I am not, a sex addict lol, mainly because I see it as ultrapersonal, but I fear that I show the signs of someone susceptible to it.

Or maybe I'm just a guy.